A funny HRD notice- must read!!

A circular was found in one of the office notice boards

HRD NOTICE OF A COMPANY TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE:

Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year(Wow!said 1 employee).

- They are called SUNDAYs.

LUNCH BREAK:

a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY:

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

INTERNET USAGE:

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges

will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73%of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Best regards,

HRD

Indian Marketing Skills(All Indian's MUST READ)

The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?" 

The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India." 

Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." 

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. 

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 

"How many sales did you make today?" 

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale." 

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64" 

Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?" 

Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook. 

Then I sell him medium fishhook. 

Then I sell him large fishhook. 

Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. 

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the 

coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. 

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I 

took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer. 

I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no 

accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. 

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 

worth of groceries and two cases of beer. 

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a 

fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?" 

Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."

Everyone laugh

Hey everyone, I read this joke and just had to share!!

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man 
opposite her was smiling at her. 
She immediately moved to another seat. 
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. 
The man seemed more amused. 
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to 
the driver and he had the man arrested. 

The case came up in court. 
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. 
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: 
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. 
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' 
and I grinned." 
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will 
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. 
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's 
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." 

"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign 
that said, 
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." 

"CASE DISMISSED!!"